If not now, when?
by Littledidyouknow013
Summary: Spencer Hastings has not been back to Rosewood for six years. And god knows what can happen in six years. The plan is: she is staying there three months. Three months, and then she can go back to her life. But how will she feel after reuniting with Aria, Hanna, Emily and Alison? Most of all, how will she feel after reuniting with Toby?
1. Chapter 1

Six years.  
It had been six years since Spencer Hastings had left her hometown, and all that went with it. Six years that she had left for college. Of course, she had come back a few times - for the Holidays, mainly. But it was never the same. And it was always for a very short period of time : she could only stay with her family for so long.

But this time, this time she was coming back for three whole months - which, in her head at least - seemed like forever.  
Of course, she was happy and eager to see the people there: her friends mainly - even if they kept in touch, it's never the same through the screen of a phone - but she did not look forward to going back in the town where everything happened.

She needed to, though. At first, she thought she could come up with an excuse so as to avoid all of this, just like she managed to do every time. However, for once, too many things came up at the same time for her to turn it down.

The first thing came up around seven months ago, when her friend Hanna called her to tell her she was two months-pregnant and absolutely wanted her to be around for when she'd be having the baby: in February. In September, it was Emily who called her to tell her she and Alison had finally saved a date for their wedding in March and that, as one of the Bridesmaid, she absolutely needed to be there. If she wasn't convinced already, it was Aria who called her up in December, begging her to come back for a while for her child's (who also happened to be Spencer's goddaughter) 2nd birthday.

So maybe it was guilt of not being there for major moments of their lives, or maybe not wanting to talk to them, of maybe just because she missed her friends so much; the point is she finally agreed to come back to Rosewood, and since she never did things halfway: she even managed to get a contract in Philadelphia for the time she'd be there; which meant she was bound to spend three months in the city she was so reluctant to go back to.

And even if she was not the kind to let her emotions be shown, even if she had prepared herself for a while now, and even if she had spent last night on the phone with Hanna - and then, genuinely thought she wanted to be there - now that she was on the plane to get there, getting closer and closer, Spencer Hastings could finally admit: she was freaking out.

The plan was: Alison would come pick her up at the airport - because Hanna was way too pregnant to drive all the way to Philadelphia, Aria was taking care of little Arthur, and Emily was working all day. Then, she'd drive her to Rosewood, where she'd directly go home and get all of her stuff into the barn - where she'd be staying. And tonight, she'd go at Emily's and Ali's, who had prepared a little get-together for her return. That was the plan. But shouldn't she know by now that nothing ever works according to plans?

She landed 20 minutes late. Which, she thought, wasn't so bad because she did not expect Alison to be on time anyway. But when arriving upon Baggage Claim, and waiting and waiting for her suitcase to arrive, it never did. After about 40 minutes of waiting - and all luggage and passengers gone - Spencer cursed and made her way to the Front Office, where a lady that was clearly annoyed explained to her that somehow, her luggage had been boarding into another plane and that she should to have it in two days from now. Of course.

She decided to try and stay calm and took out her phone - which she did not even think to check in the mean time - and she was now convinced she had at least five missed calls from Alison who'd be either really pissed, or really worried. But when turning on her phone, there was nothing. And when she called her to ask if she was there, Alison did not answer. Of course.

So her new plan by now was to call Emily. She was really unsure about her picking her up, but she decided to try anyhow. When she finally did, after five rings, she seemed to be in a rush:  
« Spencer? Everything okay? »

She tried her best to stay calm and polite to her friend who, she knew very well, didn't have anything to do with all that had happened.

« Hey Em, yeah I'm at the airport and Ali's not there. Do you know if she was still planning on coming and get me? »  
« Yeah, yeah she should be there. Are you sure she's not? I though you guys were in Rosewood already ! Wasn't she supposed to get you like an hour ago? »  
« Well, yeah, she was, but then my flight got delayed and the Aircraft company has lost my luggage so I'm only getting out now. Anyway, she's not there »  
« Oh no.. » Emily seemed really bothered by now « Look, maybe I can try and call a friend, and… »  
« No, Hanna's not really able to drive here and Aria was busy. It's fine, don't worry »  
« What about your parents? Or maybe I could ask my mom.. »  
« Em, really it's okay, I'll just take a cab, and.. »  
« Oh I know ! I think Toby's in Philly today, I'll call him and get him to.. »  
« Em, I'm getting in a cab literally right now okay? Don't bother ! I'll see you tonight, bye! »

And like that, she hung up. Okay, so she might have lied a little, saying she was getting on a cab, but there was no way she was letting Toby Cavanaugh drive her back to town right now. They might still be friends - or at least friendly - but she did not want to bother him like that after almost five years of not talking to each other. She'd take a cab to go home.

Or so she thought. Turns out, the traffic in Philly at this hour was just insane. She sighed and decided she'd take a train to go back to Rosewood, and it's only once she was seated that she knew maybe - just maybe - coming back was not that good of an idea. She was not ready for all the Rosewood drama. 


	2. Chapter 2

Spencer arrived in Rosewood around six o'clock, and after a call from Alison - telling how sorry she was, and explaining how she had had an absolute emergency having to do with her house, from what Spencer understood - they agreed she'd come and pick her up from the train station. Which, surprisingly enough, she did.

Spencer did not manage to hide her (genuine) smile at the sight of her friend. Yes, she was not sure she wanted to be in this town at all, and yes, she's had had some problems with her, but she was still her friend, and she had still missed her.

« Oh Spencer, you cannot know just how sorry I am ! I am so - so - sorry! »  
Spencer laughed slightly at her friend - who had not changed a lot, which she enjoyed, and hugged her:  
« It's fine Ali, don't worry about it! »  
« Come'on, let's get going ! I guess you want to go home first, and Emiliy's gonna kill me if we get there after 7! »

She laughed and got in the car with her blonde friend. Now that she was here, half-listening to her friend talking and seeing the streets of the town she once lived in she could officially say it: it was not that bad to be back.

Spencer left her carry-on and her laptop in the barn after saluting her mom, who was the only one home. She then managed to change with some clothes her sister - or herself, she could not recall - had left there (a simple white blouse that matched her black jeans) and was ready to go. Her friends living the house next to hers, Alison had already left to help Emily, so Spencer would have time to do a few things. But now that it was all done, she would have liked her to stay with her so as not to get there alone.

In the short time leading her to her friend's house, she noticed all the things that had changed around the neighborhood. Six years really was a long time.

« Spencer ! Oh my god! »  
She turned around only to be faced with Hanna and her huge bump, a huge smile plastered on her face « Han, hey ! How are you? »  
« I'm fine ! How about you? How's life in D.C? »  
The blonde did not let her friend time to answer her questions as she squeezed her into a hug « I'm great, really! But hey, where's Caleb?»  
« Oh, he'll probably be late. He went all the way to Philly to pick up Toby because his truck died or something. Dunno if they'll be coming afterwards. »

Spencer let out a breathe. She had to admit: she had thought she might be seeing Toby tonight, but she actually hoped she wouldn't. Now, this was the perfect excuse for him not to come.

As they advanced towards the door, Emily opened it, grinning. She hugged both of her friends and they entered the house where a little boy was endlessly running around.

« Arthur, pleaase, come in here ! How can you not be tired right now? » Aria's voice seemed hopeless, as she was running behind him « come on! »

Spencer couldn't help but smile at the scene. She had not seen her friend in her maternal role a lot, but she had to admit: the role suited her just fine. Spencer managed to catch the little boy who made a pricing sound just between a scream and a giggle, and once he recognized who his catcher was, his smile grew even bigger - if that was even possible. « Spencyyy » he said as he hugged her tight

She carried him in her arms as Aria came towards them « See, you really need to come around more often: I can't deal without you », the brunette said all smiling « Not true, I know you're the hell of a mother »

She put Arthur down only to be able to hug her friend, and went in to the living-room. There stood Ezra, Aria's husband, whom she hugged as well. Alison came into the living room with a bottle of white wine in one hand, and a few glasses in the other. Spencer could seen Hanna pouting next to her, and she would have sworn it was because of the thought she could not drink while being pregnant. She smiled at the thought and sat down on the couch, next to Arthur who was now reading a book - or, at least, looking at the pictures of his book. Aria sat down next to her and started talking.

« Eli, come here and drink some water for me please! » she heard Emily say

She frowned. Eli? She didn't know a « Eli ».  
Emily came into the living-room a few minutes later with a little girl in her arms. The girls looked about four years old, had long blonde hair and bright blue eyes.

Spencer turned to Aria, frowning and cut her off in the middle of her sentence: « Aria, who's that? »  
« What? »  
« Who's that little girl? »  
« Oh, you know, that's Elizabeth! » Aria simply answered as if she was supposed to know about her. She looked at Aria, waiting for her develop, which she did not.

« So I was saying, my boss was all… »  
« Aria, who's kid is she? » Spencer pressed. The more she looked at the little girl, the more she reminded her of someone. But she stopped that thought.

Aria's face fell a little and she looked from the little girl to Spencer a few times. The girl was now walking towards them, a stuffed monkey in her hand, not paying attention to Emily who was still talking to her.

« You don't know? » she finally said as Elizabeth was getting closer « No, no I don't. Should I?»

Elizabeth was now facing them and looking intently at Spencer, her head tilted to the side « I don't know you » she said to her, her voice really calm and quiet

Spencer's heart was now starting to race « I, hum.. I'm Spencer »  
« I'm Eli » she simply said, before adding « can we be friends? »  
When Spencer nodded, the girl smiled brightly and then looked at Spencer's left arm. She started playing with her watch and bracelets, being really careful with all of her actions. Spencer didn't know what to do.

Finally, the door opened to two voices and Caleb entered the room, soon followed by Toby: the both of them in the middle of a conversation.

Toby scanned the room upon entering, and saw the scene. His eyes locked with Spencer's for a few seconds and then fell on Elizabeth, who was still oblivious to the two men's arrival. When the little girl finally turned her head, and her eyes met his, she let go of Spencer's jewelry and ran directly to him, screaming:

« Daddyyy! »


	3. Chapter 3

Spencer felt weird. She tried to hide her uneasiness by smiling, but was pretty sure she was just being really obvious to anyone who was watching. She decided to excuse herself and go to the bathroom, where she put some water on her face, trying to avoid thinking of the little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes, and her « daddy ».

_Fuck, _she thought_, that is not supposed to bother me, is it?_

Only it did bother her. A lot, if she was being honest. Probably because no-one had had the guts to tell her, she thought. Yes, that was probably why.

When she went back downstairs, Toby was in the kitchen cleaning his hands - which were all darkened with what she assumed was oil from his car - and Elizabeth was seated at the kitchen table, talking excitingly to him. Ezra and Caleb were talking to each other while having an eye on Arthur who was just beside them, and the girls were in a corner of the room, in the middle of a conversation. She decided to join them, and that made them quiet.  
« So.. » she started « what are you guys talking about? »

The four girls looked at each other, obviously not knowing what to respond, and it was finally Hanna who talked:

« Are you mad? » she asked

« What? »  
« Are you mad at us? » she repeated

« For not telling you about Eli » Emily clarified

« Wh-What? No! no, I'm not mad, why would I be mad? »  
« Look, at first, we really thought it was best for you okay, an-and you didn't come home that often, so it was actually _really_ easy for us to hide that. And we just thought we'd tell you when you get back.. but then, you didn't get back - - I mean, not for a really long time, and so we just.. I mean.. »

« What Aria wants to say.. » Emily explains « is that we just forgot we never told you, because, you know, you haven't been here for _so_ long.. »

Ouch. now, that was kind of unexpected. And it hurt. A lot. She knew Emily probably didn't want it to sound like a reproach, but if sure as hell felt like one.

Sure, she was not going to lie: she was aware that she did not come back very often. But it's not like she was careless about her friends, right? It's not like she didn't want to know what was happening to them, right? And it's not like she needed them to sugarcoat everything and not tell her about things like that. And aren't friends supposed to tell each other everything? And _especially_ things like that?

But she knew: she knew she had been a bad friend. She knew it was only fair that they were not as close as they once were because she was away a lot, and - if she was being honest - did not put a lot of effort into coming back. She knew that. But still, it hurt.

She smiled nonetheless:

« Guys, it's fine. Really. »  
She turned her head only to notice Toby was still in the kitchen with Eli « look, I'll go salute him, alright? »

They all nodded and Spencer started walking towards the two. Toby was now leaning against the back of the sink, drying his hands in a towel and looking at his daughter - who was still rambling. Spencer had to admit: even after all this time, he still looked the same.

As she arrived, he looked up to her and smiled. Eli stopped talking and smiled, too.

« Hey », Spencer shyly said

« Hey Spence. How are you? »

She nodded « good. I'm good. »

« Hey, she's _my_ friend, daddy » the little girl interrupted them

Toby looked back at her, as if for a minute, he had forgotten they weren't alone:

« Oh, really? Well, Beth, you should know she was my friend long before »

The little girls pouted, which made Spencer laugh:  
« Hey, it doesn't mean I can't be your friend, you know.. »

The blonde seemed to think about it for a minute, and nodded

« Elizabeth, you want to come and play with me? »  
Arthur had popped his little head out through the door frame and was looking at the little girl, waiting for an answer.  
She shrugged, got up, and started walking towards him « Okay! »

Once they were actually alone, Toby looked at Spencer:

« So you're back, huh? »  
« Yeah.. I guess I am.. »  
« For how long? »  
« It should be three months - tops. »

Toby nodded, seemingly pensive while looking at Eli from afar.

Spencer gathered all the courage she could:  
« So you're a daddy, huh? »

Slowly, he nodded before looking back at her:  
« I am.. you didn't know?

She slowly shook her head

« I mean, not that you had the opportunity to tell me » she then said « But - I mean - the girls didn't either »

« Yeah.. Well, it _has_ been five years since we've seen each other. I'm sure a lot happened to you too. Running for president, yet? »

She laughed and played along with him:  
« Yeah, how did you know?! Will you vote for me? »  
« You know I would » there was something in the way he said it that didn't seem that humorous.

She blushed slightly and Hanna came into the room

« Hey, Spence, if you're not taking a glass of wine when you actually _can,_ I swear I'm giving you this baby and I'm drinking your glass »  
She cuffed « Uh, okay Hanna. Glad to know you're still the same »  
« Yeah, yeah, whatever. You two comin' or what? They're all waiting for you to drink. »

So, just like that, she was back in old, same, Rosewood. A lot had changed. Like, a _lot._ But she was glad to be back, and couldn't believe she had spend six years away.

* * *

When they went back to the living room and sat at the table - Toby in front of her - Elizabeth now sitting at the table, drawing, Spencer noticed how Toby looked lovingly at her, and she couldn't help but think this was really cute. After all, he _had_ always wanted children, she knew that.

« So Spencer, how are you doing? » Caleb got her out of her thoughts « Hanna told me you started you own interior design company? »

« Yeah, I did. I just - - I guess I realized Politics just weren't for me »

From the look on Toby's face, she figured he did not know it. But what was that on his face? Pride? Was he impressed?

« So what do I need to do to make you take care of our house? » he continued « I mean, I love Hanna, but god, she can have some really girly tastes sometimes »

« _Hey_ ! » Hanna directly reacted which made every one else laugh.

The dinner went by smoothly and soon enough, everybody went home. Once in the barn, Spencer started to think. Seeing all of her friends still being so close made her really nostalgic. She tried to make a mental list of all the things that she had missed while she was away. And sure enough, making that list made her ever more nostalgic.

A part of her _almost_ regretted those six years that she had spent being away.


	4. Chapter 4

A week went by and Spencer could officially say she was happy to be back. Throughout the week, she had had lunch dates with Hanna, went jogging with Emily, had joined Aria and Arthur to the parc, and finally got her suitcase back - thank god!. The four of them had been to the Brew multiple times, and they had even been out to the restaurant.

She had not seen Toby since that night, though. And she still had so many questions in her head that kept her thinking about that blond-haired, blue-eyed four year-old.

However, today was different. Today was her first work appointment for the contract she got in Philly. She actually did not get a lot of information about the contract itself, as both her and the person she talked to decided it'd be better to talk about all the details in person. The only thing she _did_ know is that she'd be working with someone called Matthew Rodriguez, and that her work was somehow related to a Hospital - which, if she was completely honest, seemed odd for an interior designer.

She was supposed to meet Matthew at 10 in a little café near the Hospital of Philadelphia. She got there early - at 9:30 - and went straight to the barista to order some coffee when she arrived. After waiting for her beverage, she turned around and was about to head to a free table, when she saw a familiar face. After a second of debating with herself whether or not to join him, she finally moved toward the table to meet Toby, who was reading what she supposed was a file.

« Hey » she simply said as she approached

He seemed surprised, and closed the file instantly while moving his head to look at her. When he finally recognized her, he seemed to relax a bit and his face softened.

« Oh, hey Spencer. What are you doing here? »

« I'm actually meeting a future client in a half-hour » she said as she moved towards the empty chair facing him « may I ? »

« Yeah, sure. » he smiled as she seated. « So if I got it right last week, you're gonna redecorate his house, huh? » he said, seemingly amused

She laughed « Well, I'm not exactly sure it'll be his _house,_ but hum, yeah, something like that. »

« Wow.. that's great. I'd nether thought you'd end up doing it »

« What? »

« You know.. quitting college to do what you _really_ wanted to do »

She shrugged « A lot changed, I guess »

As he nodded pensively, she asked :

« So anyway, what are you doing here? You seem to be spending a lot of time in Philly, Emily told me you were here last week, you working here or something? »

« Mh, yeah.. yeah something like that. »

« But you're not in your uniform.. »

He seemed to be thinking for a minute, before understanding, and smiled - amused.

« Uniform? As in Police uniform? No, I'm not a police officer anymore »

« Oh, I.. I just.. I guess I though that's what you wanted »

He shrugged:

« I guess I didn't have anyone I needed to protect anymore.»

Spencer smiled and blushed a little at the same time. Toby looked at her with his piercing blue eyes and a genuine smile and told her:

« It's really good to have you back around. Really »

She nodded: « Yeah, it's good to be back, actually. Although I never thought I'd say that »

He smiled. He knew what she meant by that. He knew all the horrors this town meant for her, all the bad memories she had there. But he also knew she had a lot of good memories here - some that both of them shared, even - and so he knew that she was genuinely happy to be there.

« Look, I, huh, I have to go » He finally said after checking his watch - it was now 9.50 - « But it was good seeing you again, Spence »

She smiled at him « You too, Toby. »

He smiled and gathered his things, before going. He had just taken a few steps before going back to the table and asking:

« Hey, would you let me cook you dinner sometime? I mean, Eli would probably be there, so I, hum.. I mean I understand if you don't want to, but I just thought, you know.. maybe it'd be nice to catch up? »

He seemed kinda nervous, but Spencer did not seem to notice. She was too busy trying to calm herself down internally.

« Yeah of course. That'd be great » she said reassuringly

He smiled « You still got the same number? »

When she nodded, he gave her one last smile and said

« I'll call you, then. Bye, Spencer » and left for good.

Spencer stayed seated a few minutes with a smile on her face, before realizing she needed to review a few things before her meeting.


	5. Chapter 5

Turns out, Matthew Rodriguez was a quite young and handsome man who had been elected Director of the Hospital of Philadelphia. After a two-hour talk, he had managed to explain to Spencer how he had had a personal experience of spending a lot of time in hospitals when he was young - due to a kind of disease he had, she didn't really get the details - and how he had always hated it. Now that he was a professional - and that he was in charge of a hospital - he wanted to change that feeling for all the children that came into his hospital. And to do so, he did not care about the time, nor the money that needed to be spent.

He had come across Spencer's company website when he was doing his research for an interior designer, and after contacting some of her previous clients, he understood she was the one for the job: he intended on getting her on board with it.

Of course, after hearing his story - and intentions -, it did not take long for Spencer to be a 100% convinced by the job and ready to do her best.

She started working on the project as soon as she came back to the barn. With a hot cup of coffee on the table and her computer on her lap, she was already laying down her many ideas. A couple of hours went by without her noticing, but she was brought back to reality by the sound of her phone ringing. It showed a new Text Message.

From: Toby

Hey ! So Eli agreed to have you to dinner one night. :) Is Thursday okay?

She couldn't help but smile at the mention of his daughter's agreeing. Did he really ask her permission? Or did he just use her to introduce the subject? Either way, she thought it was really cute. She typed back:

To: Toby

Oh, well, If she'll have me, then I'd be honored. Thursday sounds perfect. What do you want me to bring? :)

From: Toby

Just yourself ;) we're taking care of everything. You can come by 6.30. I'll text you the address.

He smiled to herself and closed her laptop. She couldn't wait for Thursday to come.

* * *

« Daddy, daddy, what did she say? »

Elizabeth had just returned form her room, where she had taker her firefighter truck to play with. Toby smiled at this sight and put his phone down.

« She'll come over on Thursday and you and I can cook her a good dinner »

The smile on his daughter's face lit up the room and when he finally looked away, it was only because he heard the phone ringing. Intrigued, he picked it up to see Emily was calling.

« Hey, Em »  
« Hey there, you okay? »  
« Yup, you? » he started walking towards the kitchen and started cooking dinner while answering

« I'm great ! Look, Arthur's coming over on Thursday because it's Aria and Ezra's anniversary, and I was wondering if you wanted Beth to join? You could have a night for yourself and maybe _finally_ have a date, or something? What do you say? »  
« Oh, that's nice, Em but we're fine, thanks »

She sounded disappointed:

« Toby come on.. Look I know it's hard for you to leave Elizabeth and all, and you may not want to be dating or anything, but it'd be good for you, you know. I mean, for the _both_ of you »  
« Em, I… »

But she didn't let him finish: « No, look, I'm convinced that you should at least try, okay? Please ! »  
« Em, we've got something planned on Thursday, okay? »

Emily almost sounded taken aback when she answered:

« Oh. I see » she sighed « Look, Toby I get that I can be a bit pushy sometimes, but it's not like you need to lie to me.. »

Toby laughed « What? Why would I lie? »  
« Well, I know you, and you _never_ have plans. I mean, don't take it the wrong way, but it's not like you to have something planned on a _Thursday_ night »  
« Well, believe me or not, but I do, Em »  
« Oh, really? Well then, tell me, what is it? »

« I, um.. » all of a sudden, all his self confidence felt like it had melted away. What? Was he shy to admit he invited Spencer over? Or maybe he just didn't want Emily to think there was something when there _clearly_ wasn't.

« Look, don't start imagining things, but um, Eli couldn't stop talking about her new 'friend' and so I though maybe it's not that bad of an idea to make her see new faces, and stuff, and also it'd be a way for us to catch up, you know, so I um, I kinda invited her over »

This was probably the fastest sentence Toby had ever pronounced. Why was he feeling so hot all of a sudden?

« What? Her new friend? What the hell are you talking about? Invited _who_ over? »  
« Spencer.. » was all he answered.

A silence fell at the other end of the line.

« Emily? You there? » he asked after a few beats  
« You invited her over? »  
« Yeah.. »  
« Like, it'd be you, Eli and her? And that's it? »  
« Yeah, Em. That's it. Why? What is it? » he started to get angry.

Was it so hard not to judge? Couldn't he and Spencer be friends? After all, they had been pretty close once. It's not like you can forget someone like that just because you're not dating anymore.

« No, I mean. It's nothing. I'm just surprised that's all, I guess »  
« Why would you be surprised? Aren't you the one who insisted that I should make more friends? That Eli should see more people? »  
« Yes, Toby, but I just… »  
« You just _what_ Em? » he was really getting upset now.  
« I just don't want you to get hurt. None of you. If you, Spencer _or_ Eli gets too attached, someone's gonna get hurt. And she's leaving in three months Toby. That's all I'm saying »

He thought about it for a minute. Deep down, he knew she was right. He could not get too attached again. But there's no harm in being friends, right?

But still, he also needed to think about his daughter, and he didn't want her to be too attached and to feel left behind when Spencer would go. Emily was right.

He took a deep breath and finally spoke:

« I know what I'm doing, Em. But thanks.. We're just friends. That's all, ok? »  
« Okay, Tobes.. »  
« I gotta go »  
« Goodbye, then. Hey, I hope I didn't upset you? »  
« No, of course not » he said, genuinely  
« And you'll still tell me all the details? » she hopefully asked

Toby couldn't help but smile: « Of course »


	6. Chapter 6

Thursday night came faster than any of them had expected.

Spencer had been working on the Hospital project all day, her mind regularly wandering off to her plans for the night. She was getting nervous, and she didn't even know why.

When it was finally time for her to get ready, she spent a good thirty-minutes upon deciding what to wear. She was usually too busy - and a bit careless, although never neglected - to spend that much time on her outfits. However, somehow, she had no clue what she was supposed to wear on this kind of.. _event_.

She knew that was not a date. It couldn't be. And she did not even want it to be - did she?

But she didn't was to seem underdressed either.

She finally set up her mind and went with something rather casual: high-waisted white skinny jeans and a large grey sweater. She hoped this would do the trick.

She parked the car she had borrowed from her mother in the driveway before his house at 6.27 and took a few minutes to inspect his home from afar. The house was not really big, but very charming. There was a rocking chair on the porch that reminded her of the one he had made her - did he make this one, too? - and she could see toys on the floor next to the door.

She took a deep breath while unbelting herself, and walked towards the front door.

It took him a few minutes to open, but when he did, a smile plastered to his face and an apron around his waist, she couldn't help but chuckle.

« So you really did cook, huh? »

« What, you didn't believe me? » he said, amused, as he moved to let her come in

She shrugged while going in and looked meticulously at his home. Everything was clean and tied up - except for a few things. Her designer eye was quite impressed of the good taste he had - the decoration was elegant and very welcoming. Most of the furniture she could see was in wood, and she instantly wondered if he had made it all himself.

« Want to give me your coat? »

She didn't answer but took off her black coat and gave it to him:

« Your house's very pretty »

« Oh, hum - thanks. »

She smiled as they got into the kitchen - which turned out to be opening to the living-room. She didn't have time to make out all the odors that came from the kitchen as a little blonde-haired girl came running to her and instantly jumped in her arms

« Hello Spencer! »

She chuckled:

« Well, hey you. How are you? »

« I'm good. » Elizabeth shrugged

« Mh, you sure? »

Spencer heard Toby sigh behind her before explaining

« She's sulking »

« Am not! »

Spencer laughed slightly and put her down

« And why is that? »

Elizabeth looked at her dad, as if waiting for approval, and after a few beat, she sighed

« I'll got tidy my room - but it's only because I want Spencer to come and play with me » she said before disappearing and running up the stairs.

« Sorry about that » Toby said as he took off the apron « What do you want to drink? »

« I'll just have what you're having »

« Does beer sound fine? »

« Sure »

Spencer sat on the couch, and was soon joined by Toby, two beers and a bag of potato crisps in his hands.

« So are we - hum - is it just the three of us? » she tried

Toby burst out laughing

« Is that your way of asking me if I'm seeing someone? »

« What? No ! No, I just - » she blushed a little while trying to make out something but he didn't let her finish her sentence

« Yeah, it's just the three of us. Look, I don't know if you're even wondering but you might as well know - Eli's mom's out of the picture »

Spencer nodded slowly, and Toby continued:

« And - I dunno - maybe you thought it was weird, me inviting you over, but I just thought, maybe - I mean, you were always really important for me, and so I thought we could maybe try and be friends? »

She smiled genuinely

« I'd love to be friends Toby » She took her bottle of beer and offered to clink it with his :

« To friendship? »

« To friendship » he agreed, smiling.

* * *

The three of them were now finishing their dinner - some delicious lasagna Toby had made - while Eli was rambling about her day and asking Spencer all kind of questions: when her birthday was, where she lived, what her favorite color was. And she went on and on.

Toby was glad to see she answered everyone of them, and she even seemed amused by the very curious little girl. At one point, she turned to him and asked:

« Daddy, may I be excused? »

« Sure, but go wash your hands before touching anything »

She nodded, got up and went to the bathroom sink to do so. Spencer turned her head to Toby

« She's very cute » she smiled

Toby smiled back, but before he could even answer, Elizabeth was back and standing next to the table:

« Daddy? »

« Yes, pumkin? »

« Can Spencer be excused, too? »

Both Toby and Spencer chuckled

« Eli, don't try and bother her, she's still eating »

« But, I thought, maybe I could show her my room, y'know? » she was now looking intently at Toby with her great, beautiful, blue eyes and Spencer had to admit: she was quite irresistible.

And so, she did not even try:

« Maybe I can go and see your room and then we come back and get some desert, what do you say Elizabeth? » she said it very firmly, but was looking at Toby at the same time, trying to read his face to see if that was okay. He smiled and nodded his head to give confirmation, just as the little girl was answering:

« Okay, now come on! »

She was tugging on Spencer's hand, and rushed her to climb up the stairs. Toby could hear her chuckle as both girls were heading upstairs, and he decided he'd take advantage of that time to start cleaning up and do the dishes. After a few minutes, he heard his phone ring and, curious, checked his texts:

From: Emily  
Hey there ! Hope you're havin' fun :) Just so you know, Arthur's there and was SO disappointed when I told him Eli wouldn't.

He smiled at the text and typed back

To : Emily  
Sorry again. Maybe we could arrange that next week w/ Aria and Ezra?

From : Emily  
Sure! So anyways, how's you night (which is NOT date) goin'?

He chuckled. He should have known. Of course Emily didn't _just_ want to talk about Arthur.

To : Emily  
Ah. Ah. Nice try Em. Everything's fine. Goodnight ;)

He smiled and put his phone back down.

* * *

Upstairs, the girls were in the middle of a conversation. Elizabeth was explaining to Spencer all about her classmate - Linda - who she did _not_ like. The brunette was sitting on the floor, and Elizabeth was sitting in front of her, petting her favorite stuffed monkey.

« Hey, you know » Spencer started « it's okay to be mad at someone »

Elizabeth looked up to meet her eyes. Something in her expression seemed to have changed. It was almost as if she had heard that for the very first time - or like she was thinking about it really hard. The little girl looked at her for a few more seconds before asking, in a calm but quiet voice:

« Is it okay to be mad at someone you _don't _know? »

It took Spencer a little bit longer than usual to answer:

« You mean, someone you never talked with? »

« No, I mean, someone I've never met and I know nothing about »

The brunette seemed taken aback. Truth be told: she _was_. There was something in the way Elizabeth had said it that almost broke Spencer's heart. She almost forgot the girl in front of here was only four : she seemed much more mature than that.

« Eli.. W-Why would you be mad at someone you know nothing about? » she asked in the softest way she could while looking at her

But the girl was now looking down, and she shrugged.

Spencer stayed there for a few seconds, and was about to say something else, but Elizabeth was now standing up:

« Come'on, Daddy's waiting for us to eat desert »

After desert - which turned out to be some ice cream (Eli's favorite) - Toby insisted that she go brush her teeth and get ready for bed. Even though the little girl pouted and seemed upset, she ended up doing it.

« Hey, so I'm gonna head home » Spencer said while helping Toby cleaning up

« Sure, yeah of course » he leaned against the kitchen counter « thank you for coming »

« Well, thank you for having me. I had a lot of fun » she smiled

Both of them just stared at each other for a minute, and Toby asked after a while:

« How are you, really? »

When she did not answer right away, he kept going:

« I know it's been a while, and you've moved on, and stuff, but hum.. How are you about all that has happened ? You know, A, the dollhouse, your parents… I mean, I know you still thought about it a lot when we were still together so I guess I just.. I'm just wondering»

« Oh.. » she looked down and seemed pensive for a while « Well, I'm not gonna lie : it's not something you can just _forget_. And, well, being back here does not help in the process. » she said that last part slowly, as if she was talking to herself « but I'm mostly fine, you know » she looked back at him « I still have those dreams sometimes where I'm in my room at my parent's house, but then it's not really my room, and things like that but hum.. it's not so often now. » she shrugged « I guess you just learn to live with something like that, you know? »

He nodded. And he did _know_. She knew that for a fact. She knew he had had his share of horrors in his life, and that, just like her, he'd had to learn to live with that.

He smiled gently and leaned forward, embracing her into a hug.

She was surprised at first : they hadn't been so close for a _really_ long time. But then, she relaxed a little, and a whole lot of memories came rushing back to her. She remembered how good it felt to be in his arms. It was funny actually: it's like if she had forgotten how good it felt to be with him. She had forgotten how it felt to be held like that; just like she had been able to forget all the pain she had felt and all the horrors A ever did. She hugged back, trying to hold on to this moment and thinking she'd never forget the feeling - the smell - the touch.

But footsteps were now descending the stairs and the moment was over. And the little blonde came running and they were parting. And she had to go back to her place, while he was already home.

He took Elizabeth in his arms and both of the Cavanaughs waved Spencer goodbye at the door, while she was taking off.

The way back home felt like forever, and when she finally arrived in the barn, she didn't know what to think about the night she just had: she was happy, surprised, amused, worried.

All in all, she was _really_ confused.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day, after her lunch date with a very pregnant Hanna - she was getting so big that Spencer could hardly see how she'd be able to keep the baby until her due date : two weeks from now - the brunette drove all the way to Philly, laptop and plans all ready to be shown and presented to Matthew Rodriguez.

As she parked in the parking lot, she reviewed everything that she wanted to present him. She had put a lot of heart in this project, and could not wait for him to have a look at it.

She met him in is office, after his nice secretary nicely asked her to wait for a few minutes. The young man seemed as nice as the first time she had met him. After accepting his offer of a black coffee, she finally got to the point: the project.

After explaining all that she had in mind (the wall painting, the toy buying and all the other ideas she had come up with) and showing him all the plans she had imagined and laid down on paper, she waited and searched his face for a reaction. Even if she was pretty sure of what she had done, she found herself to be a bit worried of what he'd tell her and how he'd react. In fact, she was nervous because, for one, she had never done something like that before. And second, she really thought this project needed to be taken care of perfectly: she would not accept any kind of negligence - especially not from herself.

« Wow - that's really good » he finally said

She let out a sight.

« You like it? I mean, it's clearly not finished, but -«

« It's great » he said as he smiled, nodding

She smiled back at him, content that her work pleased him.

« I was actually thinking I could go down and see the children's area in person? You know, like the rooms and stuff? It'd give me more perspective and maybe would give me more ideas»

« yeah, of course, that's a really good idea. Look, I'll come with you but I need to make a quick phone call first, would you mind waiting for me at the front desk? »

« Sure » she said as she gathered her things and left the room

As she walked out, she kept thinking about her sketches and plans. She was wondering what color would be best suited to go in the children's room as she did not want to make it old fashioned pink and blue.

She was lost in her thoughts when she felt something on her leg. As she looked down, she realized it was not some_thing_ but some_one_ who had taken her right leg into hostage from behind. She tried to turn around and softened as she recognized Elizabeth.

« Hello, Eli » she said as the little girl looked up, a bright smile on her face

« Hey »

« Where's your dad? » she asked, worriedly looking around to find Toby

Instead of answering, the blonde girl extended her arm in a direction so that Spencer would spot him - he was currently talking to a lady in the front desk. Spencer assumed he didn't notice his daughter was gone, so she took Elizabeth in her arms and started walking towards him. As she did, she heard him thank the lady and was about to take his daughter's hand, but realized she wasn't next to him. A hint of panic passed through his face, but was soon gone as he spotted her in Spencer's arms.

Only the panic on his face was now replaced by surprise, then worry. She smiled to him:

« Hey ! That little one came to say 'hi' »

She put Elizabeth down as she talked, and stroked her hair gently.

« Thanks » was all Toby said

« So.. what are you doing here anyways? Are you guys okay? » she asked nonchalantly

As Eli looked intently at her dad, he answered

« Oh, yeah, yeah we're perfectly fine. We just- I had to go retrieve some medical records that's all » he said with a nervous chukle, but before she could ask anything, he continued « look, I'm sorry but we gotta get going. I promised Emily I'd help her with this thing.. »

« Oh yeah, sure, go ahead! »

He smiled at her and started walking towards the exit, Eli's small hand in his huge one, as she was waving Spencer goodbye with her other hand.

Spencer didn't even have time to think about it as she saw Matthew arriving and ready to show her the children's area.

As they got there and entered an empty child room, she finally understood what he meant when he told her about the project. The room was all white and left a really cold atmosphere. All in all, it was just like being into a regular hospital room, only the sheets that were laid down on the bed were covered with teddy bear-like pattern. It gave her chills just to imagine a child having to spend days - maybe months - in such a cold atmosphere.

She would definitely do her best to change that.

* * *

Toby had been home for a few hours when his phone rang. He picked it up to see - with no surprise - that Emily was calling

« Hey Em »

« Hey ! How are you? »

He smiled a bit - he knew the reason why she called was _not_ to do small talk

« Mhmh. I'm great »

« So? How was it »

This time, he couldn't help but laugh

« God, you can't even _pretend_ you wanted to talk to me, right? You just go straight to the point! »

« Hey, technically, I _do_ want to talk to you. I just have a very specific topic in mind. _So_, come on, how was it with Spencer yesterday? »

« I mean, good Em. There's not much to say »

« Toby come on ! » she begged

« What? I don't know what to tell you.. she came, we talked, we ate dinner and that was it. It's all there was to it, you know? »

He heard her sigh at the other end of the phone

« Yeah, right.. »

« Look, you know what, I really don't get you Em. » he was started to get pissed at her « You nearly tell me _not_ to have dinner with her, and you insist that we're just friends - which, by the way, is all I ever wanted from her since she's been back - but then you insist that I tell you these things like you _excepted _something to happen. That's kind of contradictory, don't you think? »

She was silent for a bit, before saying :

« Okay, you may have a point, but I guess I just.. Look, I know you guys can't be together right now, and sincerely I don't even know if either of you want that, but you were just always so great together, and - I mean, I always thought of all of us, you'd be the ones to stick together _no matter what_. And _especially_ with all that's happened. So, yeah, I told you not to, but I guess I just thought you'd get together again, anyway.. »

Toby sighed

« No, Emily. We won't. We've both moved on »

« Okay… »

There was a few moments of silence before Emily said

« Are you coming to Aria and Ezra's Valentine's Day Party? »

« Oh, uhm, yeah I guess? »

« Cool, I really wanted to see you there. And so um, if you _have_ moved on, are you planning on bringing a date? »

« _Emily! »_

_« _What? I'm just asking because I thought I might find you a date if you wanted to? »

« Yeah, right, No thanks. »

« But - »

« Bye, Em »

He hung up before she had a chance to say one more word.


	8. Chapter 8

« You're throwing a Valentine's Day Party? Seriously ? »

Spencer couldn't help but smile in front of the short brunette

« Yeah, what's so funny about that? » Aria asked, crossing her arms

« I don't know, I just didn't picture you as the type to throw that kind of party, you know? »

« Oh, and so what kind of person did you picture me to be, Spencer? » she asked, amused

« Well, the romantic kind of girl who'd have an actual _date_ »

« Hey, I _do_, have a date, okay? And I _am_ romantic. But I also love that party. Ezra and I have been throwing it for four years maybe, and it's _great_, you'll see! »

Spencer smiled at her friend's enthusiasm.

« And by the way.. » Aria was now biting her lower lip, and playing with the cup of the coffee she had long finished « I was thinking, hum, I have this cousin that's coming… »

Spencer didn't take the hint and was waiting for her to finish her sentence:

« Yeah..? »

Aria sighed:

« Look, I was just thinking maybe you could both go together? He's really cute, and smart, and he's a lawyer, and- - »

But Spencer was already laughing, not letting her friend finish her sentence

« What?! » Aria snapped

« You're trying to get me to have a _date_? Really? And with a _cousin_ of yours? That also happens to be a _lawyer_? Aria, seriously? »

« Well, what? You never talk about your love life, and so I figured, it's about time you get back into the dating game! »

« Hey, I _date_, okay? I just don't tell you guys about it, that's all »$

She frowned

« Why not? »

Spencer shrugged

« You're all telling me about weddings and diapers and stuff like that, I don't want to be talking about random guys I meet in some bars »

« Oh, come on, Spence ! You know we don't care about _that_ »

Spencer shrugged it off, and Aria continued:

« So I take it it's nothing serious, right? Well then if you don't have a boyfriend, you can _totally_ come to the party with Kyle! »

« Aria, I - »

« No, look, it's one date okay? One night, and you won't even be together _together_, you know? Since we're all gonna be there and stuff? »

« But - »

« And you don't even have to call him, or go on a second date with him, just - just try. Please? »

Spencer sighed. She hated when Aria made these puppy dogs eyes. It made it impossible to say no to her. She mentally cursed as she gave in:

« Okay, I'll do it »

Next thing she knew, Aria was squealing while hugging her

Spencer and Aria soon gathered their things and got out of the Brew. They had been walking down the street for just about ten minutes when a familiar face came into sight

« Hey guys »

Toby smiled as he hugged Aria, then Spencer

« Oh, hi Toby » Aria smiled excitingly « funny we ran into you, I actually meant to call you: I hope you're still planning on going to our party?!»

He chuckled. Aria's enthusiasm for these sort of things always made him smile.

« Yeah, sure I'll be there »

« It's gonna be awesooome! » Aria continued, clapping both of her hands, as Spencer was playfully rolling her eyes

Toby tried to hide his smile and turned to Spencer

« Are you coming too? »

« You think I have a choice? » she laughed

Aria sighed at her friend

« Stop it Spencer! You're gonna love Kyle, okay? »

« Who's Kyle? » Toby asked

« He's my cousin » she answered « and he also happens to be Spencer's date at my party »

She said that last bit with a huge smile. Spencer, on the other hand, couldn't help but roll her eyes, which made Toby smile lightly.

After a beat, Toby's phone started ringing. He excused himself and the three of them said their goodbyes, before going their separate ways.

All throughout the rest of the day, Toby was not able to get that name out of his head : _Kyle_.

He had it in mind during his phone call, as he drove back home, as he cooked dinner and even as Elizabeth told him how Emily had braided her hair. He just could not rip his mind out of it. Why did it even bother him so much?

After he tossed and turn for about an hour, he finally took his phone and typed:

To: Emily

On second thoughts, could you get me a date for Aria and Ezra's party?

He quickly typed and then turned off his phone, so that she wouldn't be able to harass him with texts saying how happy she was and how she'd find him the '_perfect date_'.

Laying on his back, he sighed. Where was this headed?


	9. Chapter 9

Spencer had never in her life met someone that reminded her more of her father than Kyle. He was boring, arrogant and talked about only one thing: himself. She hated Aria for setting her up with him.

They had been at the party for a half hour now, and she felt like she had not said a word since the start.

As he was rambling about something related to his job, Spencer said:

« Look, I'm gonna go grab something to drink ».

And just like that, she was out of sight. She sighed in relief when she had the confirmation he did not follow her - she really needed that time off. She saw Hanna sitting next to the table. The blond was looking at her with an amused smile

« Soo, who's lovely boy over there? »

Spencer rolled her eyes

« He's Aria's cousin. She forced me to go with him, but he's _not_ a lovely boy. He's _annoying_ as hell. »

Hanna laughed

« Oh, come on, he can't be _that_ bad! »

« Believe me: he _is. _save me, Han! »

But before the blonde could answer, the doorbell rang and the front door opened to a very good-looking Toby and a gorgeous girl.

« Wow » was all Hanna could say.

It hurt to admit, but Spencer was thinking exactly the same. _Wow_.

« Who's _that_? » Hanna whispered

When Spencer did not say a word, still looking at the red haired girl, Hanna continued

« I always wanted legs like that. And, man, those _hair_ »

Spencer could not agree more. The girl really was beautiful. And she seemed like she was hanging on Toby's every word. She sighed and brought back her attention to Hanna and sat down next to her

« So, hum, when are you due, again? »

Her friend scoffed

« Don't you dare try and change the subject ! Who's she? Do you know that girl? Did you know Toby was bringing someone? Oh, man, are you _okay_ with him bringing someone? »

Spencer rolled her eyes and stopped Hanna before she had the time to ask another question

« Of course I'm okay with this why wouldn't I be? » she said abruptly and got up to get a glass of white wine

« Hum - Helloo - he's your ex-boyfriend and he's coming in here, for V_alentine's Day, _with a girl that just got out of a Vogue magazine ! No girl in her right mind would be _okay_. »

Spencer rolled her eyes.

« Yeah, well, I _am_. It's been a long time, we're friends, now. And, may I remind you - he's got a _child_ \- so, you know, he's technically been with more girls when I was away »

Spencer could have sworn she heard Hanna snort but did not hear her response as Kyle had found his way back to her

« Hey, there you are ! I thought you were lost »

She faked a smile, silently cursing that he found her so quickly

« yeah, well I just saw Hanna there all alone so I thought I'd keep her company, right Han? »

But Hanna was now in a seemingly fascinating conversation about nail polish with Alison and did not pay attention to her anymore. _Of course_.

« So » Kyle began again « I'm sorry but I have to ask, are your parents _really_ Peter and Veronica Hastings? »

Spencer could not believe her ears. She tried her best not to roll her eyes. She hated that situation more than she would ever admit.

« Yep » Was all she could finally say

« Wow. I can't believe it, I mean, wait 'til I tell my colleagues on Monday ! I'm having a _date_ with a Hastings! »

This time, she could not take it anymore

« Look, Kyle, you know what? I need to go find Aria to talk to her, okay? »

He nodded politely and she left him there.

She spotted Aria easily talking with Emily and Ezra by the window. As she joined them, Ezra asked, smiling

« Spencer ! How's your date with Kyle? »

She gave him a death glance.

« First of all, this is not a _date._ Second of all, I might as well warn you that I'm going to murder the mother of your child for setting me up with that guy! »

Aria looked sorry

« Is is really _that_ bad? » she asked

Spencer rolled her eyes. She looked so apologetic that she almost made it impossible to hate her at that moment.

« It _is. _God, how can you have a cousin like that? And why did you tell him about my parents? I might as well just introduced them to him! »

Emily laughed

« Come on, Spencer, he's probably just nervous, that's all »

« He's not, Em. He's just here to talk about his job and brag about dating "a Hastings" » she sighed and Aria took her hand

« I'm sorry ! I didn't know he'd be such a douche »

Spencer wanted to respond to that, but Ezra talked before she had the time

« Hum, just so you know, he's coming that way » was all he said before she heard Kyle's voice behind her.

Now, this night was gonna be fun.

And, just like she had planned. It was. The whole night, she tried to escape from him for a few minutes, but he would always find her one way or the other and she'd have to listen to him brag and talk about himself - or ask her questions about her parents and why she didn't become a lawyer like them. She hated it, and she hated _him_.

A little before midnight, at loss for excuses and people to go talk to, she pretended she had to go to the bathroom and climbed up the stairs, but went to the guest room instead.

Once in the room, she sighed.

She finally felt alone, and had a good feeling he would not come get her here. She slowly walked to the window and looked at the moon - the only source of light in that pitch black room.

« Where's your date? »

She jumped. She hadn't seen anyone in here. When she turned to her right, she recognized Toby, sitting on a chair by the bed. She suddenly felt weird. Why was he here? Where was his date? Why was he in the dark? Was he waiting for that girl to come join him?  
She didn't know what to ask him first.

« Are you running away from him? » he had asked the question with some kind of smirk, like he was amused.

Shamefully, she nodded:

« yeah, kind of »

« What, is he not good enough for you? » he smiled at her and took a gulp of the beer she had not seen he had.

She rolled her eyes at him

« What are _you_ doing here anyway? I am interrupting something with Barbie and you? »

She tried to say this as lightly as she could, but she was sure the multiple glasses of wine she had had compromised that.

He raised his eyebrows and snorted

« Who, Amanda? »

Spencer shrugged as she sat on the chair facing him.

« I'm actually hiding from her right now. She's just.. too much»

Spencer laughed and he continued "she reminds me of Jenna"

She smiled apologetically to him and silence fell between them for a moment.

After a few beats, Spencer started:

« He's the most boring guy I've met. I feel like I'm dating my father: he's like his copycat. »

Toby looked at her with his piercing blue eyes, amused. She looked back at him:

« What? »

« I don't know, I guess I could just see that only by looking at you with him downstairs »

She didn't respond and took his beer away from him to have a sip, before asking:

« Where did you find that girl anyway? »

« I didn't. Emily did. She absolutely wanted to find me a date » he shrugged. « I never should have said yes »

« Then, why did you? »

He looked at her for a moment. It seemed to last forever before he answered, slowly

« Because of you »

Spencer didn't say a word, waiting for him to continue. She could have sworn the alcohol was messing with her right now.

« Because you accepted to go with Kyle » He finally said, still looking right in her eyes.

She breathed slowly while keeping her eyes locked with his, gulped, and finally decided to get up

« I should go back down »

She started to walk towards to door but he caught her by taking her hand. Her back was laying on the wall and he was only inches away from her. She could tell by his breath near her that he had been drinking quite a bit, too.

He slowly approached his face to hers and very gently placed a kiss on her lips. It was short - too short for her liking -, soft, warm, comforting, and was all Spencer wanted to taste in her entire life.

As he pulled away and let go of her hand, she heard him say:

« Happy Valentine's Day, Spencer » in that raspy voice of his, before he got out of the door.

After a few seconds, she eventually moved from the wall and got out of the guest room, too.

The rest of the night was just as boring, yet she could not get the smile out of her face. Surprisingly, Kyle seemed way less annoying now that she was stealing glances at Toby, who always looked back at her.

Crazy how ten minutes with Toby could make up for a whole evening of boredom, right?


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning, Spencer woke up to a headache and instantly regretted the previous night. She regretted it, except for the kiss. Only, she _should_ be regretting it, right? They had agreed they'd be _friends_. Just friends.

She sighed and got up in order to get prepared for her day of work.

A few days went by, and she did not hear from Toby at all. She went to lunch with Aria and Hanna, had dinner at Emily and Alison's, and even had coffee with Caleb, but no signs of Toby. She didn't know what to think about that. Was he avoiding her? Did he regret the kiss? Did he even remember it?

One night, she finally mastered the courage to text him:

To: Toby  
Hey ! Haven't seen you since the party. How are you and Eli doing?

The answer came soon after that

From : Toby  
Hey, Spence. I've been busy, sorry. We're good. You?

Before she had time to text back, a new text came in:

From: Toby  
Did you manage to get rid of Kyle? ;)

She couldn't help but smile. Did this mean he remembered?

To: Toby  
I'm fine.  
Yeah. And I made Aria promise NEVER to get me another date. ever. How 'bout you with that girl (Amanda, right?)

From: Toby  
Yeah, Amanda. I just had to nicely tell her I'm not interested :)

To: Toby  
Ouch. Pretty sure you broke her heart.

From: Toby  
She'll get over it.

He sent another one:

From: Toby  
Look, I gotta go. You wanna come back to have dinner with us this week? Tomorrow, maybe?

To: Toby  
I'd love to :)

She smiled and put down her phone. She couldn't wait for tomorrow to come.

* * *

« So, Eli's taking a bath. I'm sorry we're kinda late » Toby said after opening the front door and hugging a very good-looking Spencer

« Oh, well, I can help with something if you want me to— »

« Would you mind just checking on the lasagna while I check on Elizabeth? »

She smiled:

« Sure »

As she made her way into the kitchen, she cursed to herself. She suddenly felt overdressed in her red skirt and black blouse. This was a _casual_ dinner. Just like _friends_ do. She sighed at her dumbness but then smiled slightly as she smelled lasagna. This for sure reminded her of _their _past. Not only good memories, that's for sure. But a lot of very good ones anyway.

« What do you want to drink? »

She jumped a bit and turned to Toby, who had just entered the room

« Oh - hum, just water please. I think I drank a bit too much at Aria's party »

He chuckled and said, smiling:

« You seemed fine to me »

She looked at him, amused as he gave her a drink of water

« You weren't exactly sober either, Cavanaugh, were you? »

He raised his eyebrows and looked at her as she took a gulp of water

« Oh, believe me, I was just fine »

She blushed lightly. Was he referring to that kiss? Was he actually saying he remembered it? He _meant_ it?

Elizabeth came into the room at that moment, wearing pyjamas.

« Hello » she said as she made her way onto a chair.

Spencer smiled but was taken aback. There was something about Elizabeth that didn't seem right. She was always to full of energy, yet there she was, calmer than she ever saw her.

« Hey, are you okay Beth? »

The little girl shrugged and Toby stepped in and answered, caressing his daughter's hair

« She's just really tired, that's all »

He smiled slightly while looking at the little girl. Spencer was about to say something, but the oven's alarm went off.

« I got it » she said as she took out the plate of lasagna and put it on the table. Toby took Elizabeth in his arms and carried her to the table while whispering things in her ears that Spencer couldn't hear. She smiled at the scene : she had never seen anything cuter in her life.

Dinner went smoothly between the three of them, Toby and Spencer mostly talking and Elizabeth eating quietly. After a while, the little girl asked if she could watch a movie and after Toby agreed, she set herself on the couch, not far from them.

« Toby.. » Spencer began quietly « Is she okay? » she asked worriedly

Toby looked at her

« Eli? Yeah, yeah she's just fine. Just — really tired that's all. You know, she can be so full of energy sometimes that she's just worn out after that »

Spencer chuckled

« yeah, I can imagine »

« So... I heard Hanna's going to have the baby anytime soon, huh? » he asked

« What? How do you know that? »

He shrugged

« I got Caleb on the phone. Why, you didn't know? »

« No ! Do you know, like, when? »

He chuckled

« Calm down ! I don't know, he told me it's probably a matter of days »

« Wow.. don't tell her that, but.. I really can't wait to see Hanna as a mom »

Toby looked at her with an amused look

« Why? You think she won't be a good mother? »

« No, it's the opposite actually... See, when Aria had her baby, everyone knew she'd be a terrific mother, you know? Because she was so motherly with everyone, already. It was like second nature. » he nodded and she continued « But with Hanna it's different. She's never been pictured in that role, and I'm sure a lot of people think she won't do a great job, but I'm convinced she'll be really great. She's really caring and I just know she's gonna be awesome as a mom, you know? »

Toby smiled at her and did not say anything for a while, before saying:

« What about me? »

« _What _about you? »

« How did you picture me as a dad? »

She smiled  
« I always knew you'd be a good dad. » she paused « But you're even better than that »

He smiled at her, but there was a inch of sadness in his smile. After a beat, he said:  
« Well, I don't get why you don't want her to know that. I'm sure it would mean the world to her. »

Spencer shrugged

« I just figured, I've been gone for so long - who am I to say things like that, right? »

« You're still her best friend, you know that, right? You... you keep trying to distance yourself, both geographically _and _emotionally, but all they really want - Hanna, Aria, Emily.. even Ali - is for you to be as close to them as before, you know that, Spence? »

She looked at him without saying anything for a while so he continued, looking away from her:

« I don't know what's going on in your life right now.. but what I _do_ know is you've been through a lot in high school. And even though I only know the half of it, it's like you've forgotten you weren't the only one to live those things.. » Toby paused and sighed while Spencer was finding her glass of water suddenly fascinating.

« Look, I know I probably don't have the right to tell you these things _now, _because we're not together anymore, but I'll say it anyway because I think you need to hear that: it seems you've been distancing yourself from everyone ever since .. the dollhouse - I'm sorry to bring it up, but it's true. And like I said, I don't know everything that happened to you there, because you didn't tell me - and_ I respect that_ \- but just… don't forget you were not in there alone, okay? They were there, too. And they've made it. And they didn't have to run away from that city, _or _from everyone in it to make it through okay? So maybe you don't have to either?»

One again, Toby sighed

« All that to say, Spencer… that they still consider you as their best friend, even though you seem to think they don't. You know, whenever you're away, I always hear them talk about you. So, yeah, what you just told me about Hanna? She would really love to hear it from you. More than you can imagine. »

Spencer's eyes were now loaded with tears, but she was trying all she could not to let them drop. She didn't know how to react. It had been six years. _Six f*ucking years_ and he still knew her better than she even knew herself. Eventually, she gathered the courage to look up and find his piercing blue eyes looking right through hers. She managed to smile to him, and that was all it took : just with that, no words needed, she let him know he had done the right thing, that he had said the right things.

« Daddy? » Eli's little voice brought the both of them back to reality and they both looked at her, curled up on the couch under a blanket

« yeah, baby? »

« Can I get some ice cream for desert? »

Spencer let out a chuckle, and Toby smiled at the request.

« Sure. I'll go get you one. You want one too, Spencer? »

« Yeah, that'd be great » she said as she looked up at him while he got up.

« Oh, and Toby? »

He turned around:

« Mh? »

« Thank you » she said firmly so that he would understand she did not talk about the ice cream. And he did. He smiled back before disappearing in the kitchen.

After a few moments, Spencer approached Elizabeth and sat down next to her

« Do you mind if I come and watch with you? »

She shook her head and moved over so that Spencer would have more space. Then, she gave her a bit of her blanket and curled up into Spencer's lap.

Spencer smiled

« So, what are we watching? »

« It's Tangled. Don't you know it? »

« Mh.. nope. I've never seen it »

Her eyes went wide

« Never? »

Spencer chuckled

« Is it good? »

« It's the best ! Look »

Spencer obeyed and did not say a word.

As Toby re-entered the room with the ice creams, he couldn't help but smile when he saw Spencer and Elizabeth on the couch. His and Spencer's eyes met and she patted the spot next to her so he would sit down. After giving them their ice creams and sitting down, Spencer rested her head on his shoulder. At one point, Toby put his arm around her and the three of them stayed like that for a while : Elizabeth curled up on Spencer's lap and Spencer curled up in Toby's arms. Eventually, Elizabeth fell asleep but neither Toby nor Spencer moved or talked. They just continued watching the moving, even though neither of them were paying much attention to it.

It was Toby who ended up moving first about half an hour later, and whispered

« I'll got get her to bed »

« Oh.. Yeah, sure » Spencer said as she moved away from him.

He took her into his arms and climbed up the stairs. Spencer turned of the TV and started cleaning up the table. She then put on her coat and waited for Toby to come back down. When he finally did, he apologized

« Sorry, she woke up and then she was all grumpy and didn't want to sleep but she drifted off easily. » he looked at her and seemed to realize she had her coat on « You're leaving? »

« Yeah. I have to get up to get to work tomorrow, and I figured you, too »

« That's right » he said with a light smile « Thank you for the table Spencer, you didn't have to ».

She shrugged

« It's nothing. Thank you for having me. It was really nice. »

He nodded. She wanted to curse. How _awkward_ was this? They looked at each other for a few moments before walking towards the front door.

« So.. I guess I'll see you when Hanna gives birth? » she asked

« You bet. Caleb freaking out? I wouldn't miss it for the world! »

Spencer laughed. After a beat, she got up on her toes and placed a kiss on his cheek.

« Thank you for everything, Toby. Bye »

She turned to leave but he did not let her. Instead, he gently pushed her to the wall and kissed her. This strangely reminded her of the night at Aria and Ezra's party. She cupped his face as she kissed back for a moment, while he passed his hand through her hair.

After a few minutes, she pushed back gently and put her forehead against his.

« We can't… » she breathed

Without moving from their position, he gulped and said

« I know.. »

« I'm.. »

« Leaving soon.. » he finished for her « I know.. »

But neither of them moved, heavily breathing.

Eventually, he pulled back, giving her enough space to leave. She did not move right away, but when she finally did, she left without a word.


	11. Chapter 11

Hanna finally gave birth three days after that. Caleb had phoned Spencer to tell her the good news, and she instantly got in her car to meet the new baby. When she finally arrived in the hospital, she was greeted by Caleb, who looked both exhausted and happy. He brought her to Hanna's room, whose tired face was lit up with joy. She was looking at the little baby rolled up in the blanket in the crib next to her bed. Her mother was sitting on a chair in a corner of the room and was quietly talking with Aria.

As Spencer walked in, Hanna looked up and smiled:  
« Hey » Hanna said in a weak voice

Spencer approached and hugged her

« Hey Han, how are you felling? »  
« I'm great, thank you. »

Spencer turned around to look at the crib, and Caleb placed his hand on the baby's head.

« Meet little Jane Margaret Rivers »  
« She's beautiful » Spencer whispered as Caleb took the little girl into his arms.

Hanna nodded in agreement, not looking away from Caleb rocking the baby into his arms. The brunette approached her friend and sat down next to her on the hospital bed

« How was labor? »

The blonde scoffed:  
« No-one ever tells you the truth. It freaking _hurts »_

Spencer couldn't help but laugh.

« No, seriously Spencer, don't ever give birth! »  
« Hey, but it was worth it, right? » it was Caleb who had talked this time; approaching with the baby in his arms and giving her to Hanna, who happily carried her  
« Yeah... It was definitely worth it, though » she nodded

Spencer stayed in the hospital for a few hours: enough to see people come and go. Aria was soon joined by Ezra and Arthur, who couldn't wait to meet the baby. Emily and Alison came around 6 because Emily did not manage to get out of work early. Other people Spencer did not know came in to welcome Hanna and Caleb's newborn, but there were no signs of Toby whatsoever. Spencer heard Caleb and Emily talking, him saying he had tried to call him but ended up on voicemail so he had had to text him the news instead, and her saying she hadn't heard from him for a few days as she had been so busy with the wedding planning. In the end, they both concluded he had probably forgotten to charge his phone again, and was much likely working all day anyway.

Spencer tried to believe them, but decided to text him anyway, just in case.

To: Toby  
Hey. You okay? I'm in the hospital right now and I met the new baby *baby emoji*

But he didn't answer.  
Or, at least, not right away. It was three in the morning and she had been sleeping for a good four hours when she got a text back.

From: Toby  
Hey. Evrthg fine. Hope BB's OK. I'll go & see them 2morrow. Goodnight.

Spencer did not see the text until the morning, but frowned when she did. The text seemed odd: Toby never texted like that, right?  
But then again, they hadn't been together for a really long time. Who was she to know what he usually did or did not do?

She shook the feeling off without answering and got ready for a day of work at home.

* * *

The following day, she had yet another meeting with Matthew at the hospital and was finally ready to show him how her work had advanced since the last time she had seen him; and _finally_ start with the concrete redecorating the rooms.

After half an hour of talking, she finally asked him:  
« So, I was actually wondering if maybe I could start the decorating with only one room - which would be kind of the « test room » - and once this one is done, we could think about things we want to adjust or things like that before doing the other rooms, you know? »

Matthew thought about it for a minute  
« yeah, that's actually not a bad idea.. I mean, we could even show it to some of the residents and ask them what they think about it, you know? Not that I don't trust you but, hum.. »  
« Yeah, I get it. So that the children can have a say in it? That's a great idea. »

He smiled while nodding  
«Great. Let me go talk with my secretary and see if a room is available already.»

Spencer waited in his office for a few minutes before he came back to announce her he had found a free room in the children's area.

They both got there to visit the room and see when they could start the work.  
« So, where can we put all of those things during the work? » Spencer asked, motioning at all the furniture  
« Don't worry, I'll have it moved by the time you next come in; When do you want to start it? »  
« Well, I still need to buy some stuff and gather people to help me with the work, but I'm pretty sure I can get it started by next Monday, would that be okay for you? »  
« yeah, that'd » he was cut by the sound of his phone ringing « That'd be perfect. I'm sorry I need to take that, can you find your way out? »  
« Yeah, Of course. Don't worry. I'll see you on Monday, then? »  
« Correct. goodbye » he said before leaving the room and taking the call

But instead of leaving right away, Spencer put her bag down and decided to make some measurements of the room. After about 15 minutes, she was finally done and got out of there. She turned right and made her way through the corridor, only to realize it was a dead-end. She cursed and turned around, determined to find her way back. As she passed dozens of child's rooms, one in particular caught her eye. Or rather, the person _inside_ it. She started walking more slowly and stopped before the sight in front of her:

There, in one of the big white rooms with the door open, on a huge bed with teddy-bear sheets, connected to a bunch of wires was Elizabeth. Spencer froze for a minute as her throat was beginning to get dry. What was she doing _here?_


	12. Chapter12

Spencer looked around but saw no sign of Toby. She finally decided to enter the room.

« Elizabeth, hey » she said very softly

The little girl looked up very fast, seemingly afraid, but her face softened as she recognized Spencer. She smiled slightly but Spencer couldn't help but realize how pale she was. Had she always been so pale? Of was it the hospital walls reflecting on her?

She also noticed a needle in her arm, that was linked to a catheter.

« Hello »

Spencer sat down on the chair next to her bed  
« Where's your daddy? »  
« He went downstairs to get some dinner because hospital's food's yucky. »

Spencer nodded a bit and asked:  
« Beth, are you okay? »

The little girl looked at her with her bright blue eyes but did not answer. They both jumped as they heard a voice coming through the door  
« So, Eli, I couldn't - »

Toby stopped in his sentence when he saw Spencer in the room. He looked at her for a whole minute without saying a word so she decided to break the ice, while getting up:  
« Hey- - I, hum. I was just trying to find my way out of the hospital when I saw her there.. »

Toby was now looking from Elizabeth to Spencer, still without a word.

« Can she stay and eat with us daddy please ? » Elizabeth said in a small voice  
« I - hum.. » he sighed « can I talk to you outside Spencer? Please? »

She nodded slightly and followed him in the corridor. She now had tears in her eyes and had a really bad feeling about the conversation they were about to have.

« What are you doing here? » was the first thing he said. His tone was almost angry, but she couldn't understand why  
« Wha - I told you, I was just in the hospital and I saw her, and.. »  
« Yeah I understood why you came into the _room._ But why were you even at the hospital? Hanna's not here anymore, so _why?_ »

She gulped. She felt like a kid who had just done something wrong and was given a lecture by her parents  
« I work here, Toby »

He raised his eyebrows  
« You _work_ here? You don't look like a nurse - or a doctor, for that matter »

She sighed.  
« God, Stop lecturing me. The hospital's director gave me a job, here. Why are you mad at me anyway? »

It was Toby's turn to sigh. He closed his eyes and leaned on the closed door. Finally, he said:  
« Just... I manage to hide this from everyone for four years." he paused. "_Four years, Spence._ And you - you just barge in into our lives, and just like that: you _know_. »

Spencer didn't say a thing at first, feeling apologetic, but finally asked the question that burned her lips:  
« What's wrong? »

Slowly, Toby opened his eyes and looked at her.  
« She's sick.. She was ever since she was born »

Then, it clicked. It all came rushing back to her and hit her like a brick: Him always being in Philly. Him in the coffee near the hospital with that file. And « _you working here or something? »_ and « _yeah… something like that_ ». And him at the front desk of the hospital. And Eli being _really_ tired the other day. And him not being there for Hanna and Caleb's baby? It all made sense now.

Spencer let out a tear and did not say a word.

Toby sighed  
« I'm sorry I got mad.. I just - it's been a crazy couple of days.. and I _really_ didn't expect you there.. »

Spencer nodded.  
« It's fine.. »

He brushed away the tear that was now rolling down her cheek with his hand:  
« She'll be okay » he said quietly  
« Really? » Spencer asked

Toby smiled slightly but did not answer. instead, he asked:  
« So, do you want to eat with us? I got French fries." After a pause, he added « It would mean a lot to her »

Spencer nodded and they both got back into the room, where Elizabeth had already started eating.

* * *

After lunch, Spencer went out of the room to take a call from Alison - who reminded her she had to be in town of a try on of her bridesmaid dress in half an hour. When she came back and was about to enter the room, she heard Elizabeth asking :

« Did you tell her, daddy? »  
« Yeah, pumpkin I had to.. you okay with that? »  
« Yeah… But do you think she still likes me? »

This broke Spencer's heart.  
« Baby, why wouldn't she? » Toby's voice was really soft and reassuring

When Elizabeth didn't answer, he sighed  
« Eli, you know I love you more than anything in the _whole_ world, right? »  
« You always say that.. »  
« Well, that's because it's true. And I want you to know: I wouldn't let anyone that doesn't like you for who you are _near_ you, you understand? »

Spencer chose that moment to re-enter the room and smiled at the sight of the little girl in Toby's muscular arms. They didn't move for a few seconds, but eventually they pulled back. Spencer was a the edge of the bed, phone in hands.

« So… I actually have to go… Alison had this dress fitting planned for me, and she's gonna _kill me_ if I'm late..» the brunette started  
« Sure, don't worry » Toby said, smiling  
« But I can probably come back and keep you both company some time? »

The little girl nodded energetically, smiling, which made Spencer chuckle. She planted a kiss on Elizabeth's forehead but the blonde girl had decided otherwise. She took her hand and pulled her in for a really tight hug. Spencer hugged her back as strongly as she could.

« I'll be back I promise » she whispered in her ear.

When she pulled back, she gathered her things and Toby came outside the room with her.  
« Thank you for everything, Spence. »

She frowned:  
« I didn't do anything »  
« Believe me, you did. » He hugged her.

When they pulled back, she gently squeezed his hand and said:  
« Don't think this is over, though. I still want to know everything, Toby. Especially if you haven't talked about it to _anyone.._ »

He nodded. Strangely, he didn't mind telling _her_ everything.

She smiled and placed a kiss on his cheek  
« Bye »

And with that, she was gone.

* * *

The fitting with Alison was _exhausting_. She had to say: Alison was not the same person than when she was a teenager. But the stress of the marriage made that side of her come back; and this did _not_ please Spencer. She had probably tried on about twenty different dresses, and _none_ of them seemed to satisfy her friend. If one was too revealing, the other was too long, or not _special_ enough. They had been in the shop for hours and Spencer had to really concentrate to keep her calm. Alison was choosing another round of dresses while she was sitting on the couch when her phone rang. A new text.

From: Toby  
I guess I probably should have asked you that before, but please don't tell anyone?

She typed back immediately

To: Toby  
I would never. You can count on me. You okay over there?

From Toby  
Could be better. Elizabeth's with a doctor and a nurse right now, and visiting hours are almost over.

She looked at the time. It was almost 7.

To: Toby  
Aren't you staying the night?

Alison was back with two more dresses and an apologetic look

« I promise, these are the last ones »  
« Yeah, well we'll probably have to leave after that anyway. It's 6.45 » she said as she took the dresses from her and went back into the fitting room

She heard her phone ring but did not take the time to look at it - she wanted to get this over with as _soon_ as possible.  
After trying on the two last dresses - which still not satisfy Ali - she changed back into her clothes and heard Alison talk with the owner of the shop:  
« We'll end up taking the one from the beginning ; the off white dress with the pink lace in the back? »

Spencer rolled her eyes. Leave it to Alison to make her try _thirty_ dresses only to buy the _first_ one.

She sighed and opened Toby's text

From: Toby  
I can't. The hospital doesn't allow it.

He had sent another one :

From: Toby  
What are you doing tonight?

She quickly typed back

To: Toby  
I'll meet at your house in forty-five minutes.

She threw her phone into her bag and met Alison in the front of the boutique.


	13. Chapter13

Forty minutes later, Spencer was already on the porch, and wondering if Toby was back already. He hadn't answered her text but she was determined this time: he needed a _friend._

He opened the door right after she rang the doorbell and let her in without a word. He seemed both exhausted and really sad. She gave him a sympathetic smile and made her way into the living room.

« I brought beer and Chinese » she announced as she made herself comfortable on the couch.

He joined her:  
« I'll just take the beer »

She looked at him, saddened, but did not argue.

None of them talked for a while. There were so many questions Spencer wanted to ask, but she did not know where to start - and, to be honest, wasn't sure she was ready to hear the answers.

Toby talked anyway:  
« She has leukemia. Had it since she was born. » he blurted out « I won't give you all the medical and technical details, but in short, she has good chance of making it. She's gotten better and better with time. But it's still really hard every single time. »

She did not say a thing - didn't know what to say. He took a sip of his beer before continuing:  
« She usually goes to the hospital once a month for a couple of days, to get the treatment and get monitored and stuff. But this month was a pretty bad one. When you came the other night, it was only the beginning of it. The day Hanna had the baby, was the worst. She was very tired and weak and she started.. » his voice trailed off and he didn't finish his sentence. He put a hand on his face, probably trying to keep his tears for himself.

« Toby, you don't have to tell me if that's too hard… » Spencer said in the most gentle voice she could master. She put her hand on his back.

He sighed:  
« Anyway she was having a bad day so we had to get to the hospital. They took care of her and she had to do a lot of tests and stuff and.. She was there since then. »

Spencer nodded:  
« And that's why you weren't there when the baby was born.. what did you tell the others? »

He shrugged  
« Just that I hadn't receive the text. That I was busy. I didn't really care what they thought, but I think they bought it.»

Spencer nodded again.

« Why don't you want to tell them? »  
« I just.. I don't know. First, it was because, you know, it was hard enough for everyone that I'd be having a baby, you know? »

She frowned « What do you mean? »

He sighed and looked at her for a minute, before continuing:  
« When you and I broke up, I was _miserable_ for a while. R_eally_. I didn't want to do anything. They all tried to make me feel better. And at one point, Caleb tried to set me up with so many girls » he scoffed « it was ridiculous. He would make me go on dates that always ended up being ridiculously annoying, and never led to anything. Anyways, at one point, he introduced me to Juliet - Eli's mom. We kinda got along and we started dating. » he shrugged « it was nothing great, but I mean, it was nice. We were together for two months before she got pregnant. And she freaked out when she knew. But I just - I couldn't give up the baby, you know? And so I convinced her to keep her - and that we'd be able to take care of her and that it'd be great. I think she believed it for a while. Anyways, everyone else freaked. They didn't understand, I guess. I mean - I can't blame them, right? I only knew her for a couple of months, and everyone thought you and I would eventually get back together. And they didn't even like Juliet. I think Hanna especially _hated_ her. But anyways: So.. Elizabeth was born and the doctors told us she was sick - and I guess it was just way too much for Juliet. We had decided to tell everyone a bit later, when we'd had time to process the information ourselves. But one day, maybe one week after she was born, I got back home from work - Emily was babysitting Eli for the day - and all of her stuff were gone. And after that, after _everything_, I just couldn't bring myself to tell them she was sick. I just wanted to protect her from all the bad things, bad people… And I didn't want anyone to know.. »

Spencer's heart was really tight in her chest. She had tears rolling down her cheeks and didn't know what to tell him.

He looked up to her and she realized his eyes were red, too.

« I'm so, _so_, sorry » she whispered  
« It's not your fault, Spence." he shrugged "It's not anyone's fault. »

Spencer closed her eyes for a while and gathered all the courage she had in order to say what she was about to say:

« I have to tell you something, too. » she started really quietly. Toby looked at her, patiently waiting for her to continue : « You know, the other night, when you told me you didn't get why I distanced myself from all of you? »

He nodded slowly, waiting for her to get to the point

« There's a reason to that.. you were right when you said something happened in the dollhouse.. »

Toby took her hand, which gave her the courage she needed to keep going:  
« The dollhouse was awful, Toby. We woke up in rooms that looked just like ours - you know that -, and then A would make us play games. Like we'd have to go into certains rooms and do stuff. Not really _bad_ stuff, you know. But, still.. like having tea and pretend everything's normal or stuff like that. But we were only allowed to go from one room to another when _she_ decided. At night, though the power would go off for about three minutes, and so we would get out. Mona had explored most of the bunker and we managed to set up a plan to get out of it. And we did. like, really did, we were outside and only had to climb up the fence... But we weren't fast enough and the power went back on before we had the time. And to punish us, she let us out there in the cold for _days._ I can't even tell you how long. We were freezing, starving. I even got sick from it. »

she sighed and shook her head  
« Anyways, at one point she let us get back into that hellhole and it was worse after that. She would leave us in our rooms for days and we almost didn't get to see each other again. She would torture us like hell.. Like, she would let that horrible alarm sound playing really loud for hours… I can still hear it sometimes.. And she'd make us listen to recordings of our friends, family calling our names, or just crying.. » she looked at him with tears rolling down her cheeks « Yours was just.. » she shook her head, silently explaning she couldn't finish her sentence and wiped her face with her hand « and sometimes she would take us into a room. We would be sitting at a table where there were three buttons and a picture of each of the girls. And we'd have to pick one to give an electroshock to, otherwise she'd leave us all without food and water for days. »

« Spencer.. » Toby started but Spencer did not listen  
« And we _had_ to choose, you know? And when we finally pushed a button, we would hear the voice of the one we had chosen _screaming_, and… »

She sighed and took a minute to gather herself. She continued, in a calmer voice:  
« The worst is, she didn't even _do_ it, you know? _None_ of us ever got a shock. It was all just _bluff.._ » she paused once more « and she would drug us, too. And she would turn the lights on and off whenever she wanted so that we'd never knew the time, we had no way of knowing _when_ we were. »

She looked at him with her eyes loaded with tears  
« And I was _so_ sick, Toby. I would throw up _every day_. And every time, when I woke up the day after that, it'd be all clean again.. I assumed she just came into the night and cleaned it all up - which actually made it worse: to know that she was there when I wasn't conscious..» she closed her eyes and he took her into his arms, gently rocking her, but she pulled back

« Wait, I'm not done.. » she said while pushing him away  
« Spencer, you don't have to continue.. »  
« Believe me, I _do_. » she took a breathe before saying « one night, I woke up but I was not on my bed. I was sitting on the floor and - and there was blood _everywhere_. I had it on my hands, and I had a tons of it on my stomach, and there was a trail of blood all over the floor… » she looked up at him « And my head and my belly just hurt like _hell_ » she said quietly

Toby seemed alarmed. When Spencer stayed quiet, he asked, not managing to hide the anger from his voice  
« What did she do to you, Spence? »  
« I'll never know for sure, but hum.. I think.. I think she gave me an abortion.. »

Spencer had said the last part very quietly, it was almost inaudible. But Toby had still managed to catch it, and looked at her with an unreadable expression on his face: he seemed hurt, angry, alarmed, all at the same time.

Finally, he asked in a gentle, yet alarmed voice  
« You were pregnant? »

Spencer shrugged  
« I don't know. But think about it? I _could_ have been, right? And I was _so_ sick.. I just figured… »

Toby took his head into his hands and Spencer sighed  
« I'm so sorry, Toby.. I know I should have told you that a long time ago, I just - »  
« I'm not mad a you.. I'm just.. I'm just mad at _her_. And at myself. God, how could I be so selfish?"

After a few seconds, he added :  
«That day, in your dorm.. We thought you might be pregnant and you were freaking out because of all of this and _I_, all I could think about was how you thought _I_ wasn't good enough for you, and.. » he sighed « fuck! »

Spencer did not answer and Toby did not say anything more either.

They stayed silent for a while, both too lost in their thoughts after the revelations they both made. Spencer felt relieved that she had finally talked to someone about that - to _Toby_ abut that. But at the same time, talking about it felt like she had just _relived_ the whole thing. She had never _ever_ told anyone and even now, six years from now, saying it out loud hadn't been easier.  
Toby was exhausted. He didn't know how to feel anymore. He was scared, for his daughter. He was hurt, for Spencer and what she had been through. He was mad, at A - _Charlotte_ \- _and_ Juliet. But also, he was sure of one thing: he did not want to let Spencer go _ever_ again. He still loved her - that was for sure - and wanted her in his life. although, he was not sure she wanted the same thing.

* * *

It was Toby who moved first, reaching for Spencer's hand. She looked up at him without a word and he offered a smile.  
« You hungry? » he tried, hoping to change the subject, and distract them

She shrugged  
« Not really.. »

He smiled a bit and said  
« Thank you for telling me anyway.. »  
« You deserved to know.. »

« Hey, Toby? » she asked« yeah? »  
« What does Eli know about her mother? »  
« Hum.. not much.. why? »  
« I don't know just… she told me something, once.. about hating someone that she didn't really know.. I just figured she might have been talking about her., you know? »

He sighed « Yeah, I guess.. She's really smart, but that means sometimes she understands things she shouldn't… »

As she was about to answer, his phone started ringing. He looked a it, alarmed - at this hour, he probably feared it could have been the hospital calling.  
« It's Caleb » he said « I have to take it, sorry » he said before picking it up

« Hey man, How are you? »  
« Toby, hey! Are you home? »  
« hum, yeah, why? »  
« I thought maybe I could drop by and we could have a few beers, ya know? »

Toby frowned:  
« Aren't you supposed to be at home with Hanna and you daughter? »

He sighed  
« It's just - we kinda got into a fight, and I'm just _so_ tired: the baby's always crying and stuff and.. I don't know.. »

Toby looked at Spencer - who had probably heard the whole thing - and he sighed  
« I don't know, Caleb.. don't you think I'd be best if you stayed with them? Try and fix things? »  
« What - are you with someone or what? »  
« What? no, I'm.. »

Once again looking at Spencer, he saw that she was now smiling, amused  
« I'm tired too, okay? And Eli's sleeping upstairs. And _you_ should go back to Hanna and _apologize_ »

Caleb Sighed  
« Great » he said ironically « bye, Toby. » and he hung up

Spencer was still looking at him, her eyebrows raised.

Strangely, despite all the things they had said before, this made him chuckle:  
« What? »  
« You're all alone, huh? »

He shrugged  
« yeah, well believe me, It's better that way »

She laughed a bit, too.  
« Probably… » she then looked at the time  
« I guess I'd better get going… » she sad as she got up from the couch

« Do you.. want to spend the night? »

She looked at him for a while and understood after all that had been said that night, he probably needed the company as much as _she_ did. She nodded and they both went upstairs. As he went into his room and started searching for something, he said:  
« You can sleep in here, I'll just go on the couch »  
« It's fine Toby.. it's not like we've never slept together before.. »

He looked at her, eyebrows raised and an amused smile on his lips. She rolled her eyes playfully  
« You _know_ what I mean. »

He chuckled and threw her a pyjama before showing her the way to the bathroom to let her change.

Ten minutes after that, both of them were laying on the bed in the dark. They had been silent for a few minutes, now.

« It's funny you know » Spencer started very quietly « after _all_ this time, you're still the one person that makes it _so_ easy to talk to.. I feel like I could tell you _anything,_ and you'd still accept me for who I am.. and not _judge_ me.. »

Instead of answering, he got closer and took her into his arms from behind her, and took her hand into his, interlacing their fingers.

« But it's true, you know? That you can tell me anything and that I'd _never_ judge you? And always accept you? It's true. Even after all this time, Spence » he whispered into her ear.

She smiled very slightly but he could not see it int he dark  
« I love knowing that » she said in an even quieter voice.

He slowly started placing a few kisses on her neck and cheek and eventually, she turned her head to him so that he could kiss her lips.

After a few minutes, he placed on last kiss on her forehead and tightened his grip around her  
« Goodnight, Spencer » he breathed.

She squeezed his hand as a response and both of them soon drifted off to sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

When Toby's alarm went off, Spencer groaned:

« God, what time is it? » groaned

Toby chuckled

« It's 6 » he simply said

« 6?! Oh come on, you can't get up that early! » she moaned as she rolled in the bed

« I have to. But you can stay here and sleep for a while, if you want to »

« Come on.. stay for a while? please? » she asked very quietly in that sleepy voice of hers

He smiled at the sight of her under the blanket and approached to kiss her head

« I can't. I got to go to the hospital »

This instantly woke Spencer up. The events - and revelations - of last night came back to her and she sat up

« Oh.. I'm sorry »

Toby did not answer as he got to his wardrobe, took off his pyjama and replaced it with a new shirt. Spencer did not even try to hide her stare as he did.

« I'm always there as soon as visiting hours start. I don't want to leave her alone any more than I have to. »

« No, of course, I get it »

He put some pants on as he asked:

« So what are _you_ doing today? »

« I have to do some grocery shopping for work, so I'll probably do _that_. » she shrugged and he came to sit on the bed, close to where she was sitting « and then I don't know. I mean, I was thinking about maybe coming by to see Eli at the hospital? If that's okay with you? »

He smiled at her and pecked her lips, then said:

« Of course »

She looked down, sighing:

« Toby… »

« Don't.. » he stopped her and gently lifter her chin with his hand

« But you know we can't… I mean.. »

« Okay, look, Spence.. You're leaving soon. I _know_ that, okay? But please, _please_, I just- I just want to _be_ with you right now… Don't you? »

After a beat, she couldn't help but let out a shy smile. She really did.

« Okay, but can we at least agree on something? »

He raised his eyebrows, letting her know he was listening

« If we're gonna do this - _us_ \- … Let's just.. not _think_, okay? »

He frowned

« Meaning…? »

« Meaning… » she sighed « Meaning I don't want us to start thinking about _after, _or about _people_, or stuff like that. Like, we just do this thing - whatever _this_ is - and we don't tell anyone, and we just » she shrugged « we just keep it.. light? »

He seemed to think about it for a while and was about to answer, but she continued before he had the time

« Don't get me wrong, not that I don't want to, okay? But I just think it is the only way to keep it nice and easy. I just don't want this to become complicated, and I'm sure you don't, either. We've had enough drama in our lives.. »

Once he was sure she was finished, he slowly nodded

« This makes sense.. okay. Let's keep it simple: we won't tell anyone, _but_ » he said « I got to have one condition »

She just looked at him, wondering what he could come up with

« I get to call you my girlfriend - _again - _? »

She scoffed

« _That's _your condition, Toby? Really? » he pushed him playfully « you're such a _child! »_

He almost giggled but asked in the most serious tone he could master

« So, is that a yes or what? »

He rolled her eyes

« Well, _obviously_ not in front of the others. _Or_ your daughter, for that matter » she said, crossing her arms

Not quite satisfied, he still looked at her expectantly, so she sighed

« But I guess yes, otherwise, you can »

His face broke into a smile and Spencer couldn't help but notice his smile was bright and sincere. He slowly approached her, placed one hand on her neck and kissed her gently.

Strangely, she had not felt that happy in a _long_ time.

« And so, after that, Caleb and I just got into a _huge_ fight. Like, I don't even think we ever got into that kind of fight, I swear. And he _left_. Like, he _left_ us, can you imagine that?! » Hanna said, using her fork to play with her food

Emily seemed shocked

« Oh my god, but what the hell? What did you do? »

Hanna shrugged at her friend

« Well, I was _so_ angry. I tried to calm myself down. He came back half an hour later and I pretended I was asleep. » she shrugged

« Oh, I'm sorry, Han » It was Aria this time, putting a hand on her blonde friend's shoulder « You know, it's been hard for Ezra and I, too, at first. But, You'll see, it gets better! »

« Yeah, and where did he _go_ for half an hour? » asked Alison, suspiciously

« I don't really know.. Actually, he told me he got in the car and wanted to go at Toby's but that he had been weird and Caleb just ended up calming his nerves in the car » she shrugged

« He had been weird? » Emily raised her eyebrows

« Yeah, like distant. Like, he didn't want him to come over »

« You know what? It's true, he _has_ been weird lately.. » Emily said, thinking

After a few seconds, Aria pushed Spencer's shoulder

« Yeah, well I know another one that's been weird lately »

Spencer suddenly looked up from her phone

« What? »

« God, Spence, did you even listen to half the things I was saying? » Hanna said child crossing her arms on her chest

« Yes, of course, you were talking about.. the baby, and- and Caleb.. »

The blonde rolled her eyes

« You're unbelievable! »

Alison turned to her

« Yeah, who are you talking to on your phone, to distract you so much, Spence? »

The brunette sighed

« I'm sorry.. It's just Mathew - The guy from the hospital I work for, you know? He was asking me some stuff and I need to answer right now. Do you mind? »

The others nodded and Spencer turned her attention back to her phone, being very careful not to show her screen to anyone

From: Toby

Hey Spence. Guess what? Eli's coming home today! The doctors said she was much better (she seems much better, too). She'll just be tired for a couple of days but it's all good. She's so happy. She was kind of sad, too, because it means you can't come and see her at the hospital like you said you would. So I thought you might want to come again tonight? We can have dinner and watch a movie together (the 3 of us)?

Tell me if you can :)

To: Toby

Oh my god that's amazing! I'm so relieved she's all better now. Tell her I'm in for tonight and give her a hug for me :) I have to go now, but I'll see you then. Bye !

She put her phone back into her bag right when Aria was asking:

« So, you guys ready for your engagement dinner? »

Emily and Alison smiled to each other

« We can't wait! It's only in two weeks but it feels so far away from now! » Emily said

« Don't worry, it's gonna come so much faster than you think! » Spencer smiled

It was around 7:30 when Spencer finally rang the doorbell of the Cavanaugh's house. She had had to lie to Aria, who had invited her over to have dinner, telling her how much work she had to get done before tomorrow. Toby opened the door with Elizabeth in his arms, the little girl resting her head on his shoulder. Spencer couldn't help but notice the tiredness in her face.

« Hey you » she said looking at Elizabeth as she entered the house « how are you doing? »

The little girl shrugged and her dad answered for her

« She's exhausted, but she'll be okay. She just needs to rest for a while »

Spencer nodded as they all got into the living room, and Toby set his daughter on the couch, before excusing himself and getting into the kitchen. The brunette took this opportunity and sat down next to the little girl

« I got you something »

She looked at her with her big blue eyes, but still didn't say a word

Spencer smiled very lightly and gave her the present she got her.

After she managed to unwrap it, and discovered a beautiful monkey stuffed animal, she smiled

« Thank you, Spencer » She said in a small voice that didn't sound like hers

« And there's one more thing… » She was presenting Elizabeth a very small package now, that the blonde girl took very cautiously. She opened it to discover a very thin bracelet made of silver, to which was attached one single star. Elizabeth seemed to have glitter in her eyes

« I had one like that when I was a kid » Spencer explained. « And every time I did something good, my parents would give me a star to attach to the bracelet. » she took the bracelet and started to lock it in the little girl's arm « I thought you could have your own bracelet, and get a star whenever you are being really really brave »

Elizabeth slowly put her head up in order to look at Spencer. She could have sworn the eyes of the little girl were wet.

« Because you can never forget Elizabeth, that you are the bravest little girl I have ever known. And you deserve the best »

The blonde suddenly fell into the woman's arms. Spencer tightened her grip around her and placed a kiss on her skull. From behind the little girl, Spencer looked up to see Toby in the doorframe, eyes locked on her. She could guess all the things his eyes were saying : « _Thank you. No one ever did anything like this for her before. » _And she smiled in return.

Dinner went by smoothly, but Spencer's heart tightened in her chest every time she looked at Elizabeth. She was pale, weak, and certainly not her usual self. Toby got her to bed soon after they stopped eating, and Spencer used this time to start cleaning up the table. When he came back downstairs, he placed his hands on her hips from behind, and kissed her neck. A smile instantly appeared on her face and she turned around to face him, before kissing his lips.

« Finally, hello » he whispered on her lips

She chuckled

« Hey… »

« Thank you… » he said after a beat. And before she had the chance to ask him why, he added « for the presents… The bracelet »

She shrugged without saying anything and moved from his embrace.

« So what did the doctors say? »

It was his turn to shrug

« Not much. Basically what I told you before. She'll be okay. At least until next time. »

« It's weird, seeing her so weak… » she said as the sat down on the couch

« Yeah… I never get used to it.. »

« Does… » she started, but was soon cut off by a knock on the front door.

They looked at each other, silently wondering who could be knocking at this hour. Toby finally got up to open it and was surprised to see Caleb at the door

« Caleb… Hey. Everything okay? »

« You tell me » he said as he entered the house without permission. As Toby raised his eyebrows the other man crossed his arms on his chest

« You didn't return my phone calls, you didn't want to have a beer with me yesterday ? What's wrong? »

This made Toby chuckle

« What's wrong ? You're the one leaving you wife and one week old baby at home after a fight and I'm the one who's got a problem? »

« Yeah, right » Caleb said as he entered the living room « make this about me instead of… » he didn't finish his sentence as he noticed Spencer on the couch. She smiled nervously and waved her hand to him.

« oh.. » was all he said after that

Toby sighed

« What ? »

Before answering Caleb looked from his friend to the brunette on the couch a few times. « Are you guys.. are you seeing each other again? »

« What ?! » Spencer chocked on the water she was drinking

« No ! » Toby instalty replied

But Caleb was more than skeptical

« Oh, come on you two, cut the crap ! »

Toby and Spencer both looked at each other, silently wondering what to do, but realized it was already too late anyway.

« At least it makes sense now ! » Caleb continued « You not answering, Spencer being always _at work. _I get it now! »

Toby sighed

« So we're trying something okay? But please don't tell the others? Even Eli doesn't know and I'd like it to stay that way. » he said very firmly

« Yeah, yeah, I won't tell a soul » he chuckle « but please don't take too long before cluing everyone in, because I just won a bet against Emily »

« Excuse-me?! » Spencer stepped in

Caleb chuckled and went towards the door

« Bye, guys! »

Toby rolled his eyes as she came back next to Spencer

« So… that was fun »

She chuckled

« Yeah, so much for keeping it a secret.. »

He smiled and pecked her lips.


	15. Chapter 15

More than a week went by and their little secret was becoming more and more pleasant, according to Spencer. They managed to see each other every day or so, and she grew fond of spending time with Elizabeth and him more than she could have ever imagined. On the next Thursday however, Toby and her weren't able to see each other since he had promised Emily his daughter and him would come over fore dinner. This is when Spencer first felt how much she had gotten used to the both of them. Even for one night, she missed them.

Around 6:45, she was already pacing in the barn, wondering how on earth she had done to live alone for 5 whole years.

She almost felt relieved when her phone rang, but had a small disappointment as she realized the called ID was Hanna.

« Hey, Han » she answered « What's up ? »

« Do you want to come over for dinner? »

« Oh, thanks Han, but I can't tonight… »

It was technically a lie. But she really wasn't in the mood to see her friend tonight

« Oh, come on, I know Toby's at Emiliy's tonight, so you don't have plans ! »

Spencer was taken aback

« Wha— ? Seriously ? I'm gonna kill Caleb. » she groaned

« Oh, no you won't ! But come on, why wouldn't you guys tell us ? »

« It's complicated, Han… »

« Complicated, how? You've been together for like, 4 years maybe ? And then you broke up and weren't able to date anyone ! There's nothing complicated in that. »

Spencer rolled her eyes

« I gotta go. But please tell me you didn't tell anyone ? And That you won't? »

It was the blonde's turn to sigh « Okay. I won't. But really, Spencer, I don't get it. »

Without a word, she hang up.

« So, Hanna knows » was the first thing she told him as she arrived in his house the next day

He raised his eyebrows without a word and she continued:

« I just guess what Caleb knows, Hanna knows » She shrugged and looked around « Where's she? »

« Upstairs, playing »

Knowing what this meant, Spencer smiled and kissed Toby.

« I missed you… » Spencer admitted

This made Toby smile.

« Actually… I wanted to ask you something… »

Spencer raised her eyebrows

« Mh? »

« Tomorrow's Emily and Ali's engagement dinner… »

She sighed

« Yeah, I know… Everything's going _so fast_ »

« And so I was thinking… maybe we could go there… together? »

She looked at him for a few seconds, before laughing

« Yeah, good one ! »

« I'm serious, Spence… »

She looked at him and understood that he really wasn't joking

« Toby, we talked about this… » she sighed as she pulled back from him, leaving space between them

« I know, I know, but look : Caleb and Hanna already know, Elizabeth sees you everyday, the other wouldn't be more surprise, why shouldn't we do it? »

« Because, Toby, I'm leaving in one month ! »

« One month and a week. » he corrected her, pissed of

« Big difference. The point is : I'm leaving. We knew it from the start. And we agreed it was best not to think about this »

« No, actually, _you_ agreed it was best not to think about it. _I_ just agreed to please you ». His voice was really angry by now

« So what did you think would happen at the end?! » She crossed her arms on her chest, just as angry as him

« I don't know, I thought maybe you'd care about me - about _us_ \- enough to think about someone else that _you_. »

She looked at him, disappointed

« So what was I supposed to do, then? What did you expect me to do, Toby? »

« Nothing. That's what you don't understand. That's what you never _will_ understand. I'm not asking you to _do_ anything except _try._ ».

« Right. 'cause long distance relationship worked so well for us last time. It will probably be even better now that you have a daughter, right? »

She shook her head in disbelief and saw his jaw tighten up. He was about to answer but they both heard a noise from upstairs in the staircase, which made them look up. They were faced with Elizabeth, pressing to her heart the stuffed monkey Spencer had gotten her, looking at them with wet eyes.

Toby cleared his throat in an attempt to calm his nerves and said in the most gentle voice he could master

« It's okay, Pumkin »

« But you're yelling » she said, an accusatory tone in her voice

« I'm sorry, Eli… » the brunette said « your dad and I were just… »

But Toby cut her off « Spencer was just leaving »

This brought Spencer back to reality. This simple sentence was a big reminder of all that was wrong in their relationship. They were acting like a couple without telling anyone. They were acting like parents to Elizabeth without letting her know what was going on. Most of all, she was acting like a mother to the little girl without telling her that she'd be leaving soon.

She tried to ignore the tears that were now forming in her eyes and showed the best smile she could

« Right. I was just stopping by to say hi. So now that's done… I'll see you guys later. Bye. »

She didn't even find the strength to look at any of them before closing the door behind herself and getting into her car. Once inside, she allowed a single tear to roll down her cheek. They weren't even together, and yet this hurt more than any break up she had ever experience.


End file.
